Just like that…Christmas is upon us once again. It really snuck up on us this year. I’ve been wrestling with two competing desires; I go back and forth between an elaborate first Christmas for Baby Sister and a simple one with minimal gifts and activities. I couldn’t quite decide, putting off family festivities and shopping for as long as I could. Eventually, the desire for tradition and gaiety won, so here we are, two days before Christmas, squeezing in many activities that usually span weeks. After braving the crowds at the mall yesterday, we- at the very least- have presents under our tree.

Christmas shopping was particularly difficult this year. Daniel and I opted out of exchanging presents with each other, but we still wanted to give presents to the kids. At the same time, we are also aspiring to have less at home. In the end, I purchased an outfit and a couple of handmade toys from independent local business for Big Brother and Little Sister. I am happy to welcome these new items into our home, however, I am filled with slight apprehension with the gifts the kids will be receiving from their grandparents and other relatives. Their gifts are generally well-meaning, but do not always fit the ethos of simplicity and quality our family is striving for. So what do you do when you receive gifts of questionable quality in excess quantity? While there aren’t any hard and fast rules, here’s how we try to keep things under control.

Focus on what you can control: your attitude, your actions

It is up to the gift-givers to decide how to spend their money. What you can control is how you view the gift. Instead of seeing the unwanted gifts as a burden, put on a different lens and realize it is an opportunity to pay it forward.

My mom and her sisters are crazy generous, especially when it comes to my kids. Whenever they see something my children might like, they will buy it for them. This presents two problems for me as a parent: an excess of toys, and toys that do not have my stamp of approval. “Mooooommmmmm!” I often complain, “Big Brother does NOT need that.” She always retorts with “I know he doesn’t NEED it but it’s my money and I choose to spoil my grandson with it.” She is right; it’s her prerogative to buy whatever she wants for her grandchildren.

We have absolutely no control over when and what people gift. Ultimately, it is up to the gift-givers to decide how to spend their money. What you can control is how you view the gift. Instead of seeing the unwanted gifts as a burden, put on a different lens and realize it is an opportunity to pay it forward. Big Brother gets to play with his new toys, as reluctant as I may be; they are his gifts after all. But because those toys do not align with our family values and typical quality, Big brother generally grows bored of them quickly and chooses to donate them to kids who need them more. Donate or re-gift to people who would better appreciate the items.

Establish boundaries and expectations when you can

With no power to stop my mom and aunts from buying my family presents, I laid down a set of rules for them to follow. Toys stay at my parents and I get to choose what to bring home. Certain toys, such as guns, are absolutely not allowed. Clothes are to be exchanged or returned if I do not need them. Battery operated toys are acceptable; they know we don’t buy batteries.

Establishing boundaries may sound restricting but is very liberating. Relatives can continue to give freely, when and as they choose. It reduces unnecessary clutter as items can be exchanged for things that are actually used. It develops a spirit of collaboration; my mom and aunts sometimes ask what it is that they can gift my children or whether certain things are okay with me before they make a purchase. Mutual agreement can be reached when boundaries are communicated, and both giver and receiver go home happy.

Provide guidance

Do not demand “no cheap plastic toys, please!” and request those beautiful toys hand carved by wood elves.

For special occasions, such as birthdays and Christmas, it helps to provide suggestions to the gift giver. Every Christmas, I send an email to family with hints as to what to get the kids (for example, Little Sister is outgrowing her clothes or Big Brother has an abundance of trains, could you please avoid buying them this year). There are several ways to approach a wishlist. It can be specific with links to the items or more general in broad categories. It is helpful to provide a list with items in varying prices and from a wide range of stores.

Try to see the act of giving through the eyes of the gift giver. Consider their financial situation and even their interests; your suggestions should not stress them out. Daniel’s wish lists always include tech equipment, but he throws in other things because he knows my mum and I find no joy in perusing through an electronics store. It is not absolutely necessary, of course, but a nice gesture on his part.

It is important to avoid stipulations when asking for gifts; it is not helpful but rather rude and presumptuous to demand “no cheap plastic toys, please!” and request toys hand carved by wood elves. Be helpful and provide guidance, not instruction. Tread delicately and be courteous.

Related: Defence of Christmas Consumerism

Value relationships over things

Earlier this month my mom hinted on buying me purse for Christmas. I quickly and bluntly told her I did not want a purse. “What do you want then?” she asked. “Actually, nothing at the moment”, I said. She then offered cash, which I gladly accepted. Then I asked for an RESP contribution as Little Sister’s present. My mom agreed without hesitation.

Denying a gift or asking for cash may be a violation of etiquette, but because of my close relationship with my mom, I was able to have open conversation. In some relationships, requesting cash gifts or being direct with what it is you want can be considered taboo and tactless. It is important to be sensitive the dynamics of each relationship and determine what may offend or hurt friends or family. Gift giving and receiving should strengthen a relationship not alienate.

The Last Word

Gifts are generally well-meaning, but do not always fit the ethos of your family- like striving to have less at home. When receiving gifts in excess or ones you simply do not want, just be grateful and remember presents are an expression of love.

I, by no means, have mastered the art of gift-receiving. More often than I should, I cringe at well-meaning gifts, thinking “oh, you really shouldn’t have”. While I will inevitably receive a gift I wish I (or the kids) hadn’t, I want to have a heart of thankfulness. After all, to live in intention is to simply have gratitude.

We have one friend who repeatedly brings clothes for my son in three sizes too big, obviously purchased because it was on sale. For the longest time, I almost dreaded annual visits from that friend because I knew it would come with clutter. Then I started to realize that he didn’t have to buy my kid clothes; he was doing it out of love. I do not need to like the item that I receive, but I need to appreciate the gesture and view it as an expression of love. While there are people who gift because it is a societal obligation or courtesy, most do it out of generosity and a loving heart. When you receive that less than desired present, respond with grace and gratitude. Be thankful for the thoughtfulness, even while knowing that the gift will not be a permanent resident in your home.

Dear readers, thank you for spending your time with us here. Enjoy your holidays and your presents, no matter what you receive. I wish you all a beautiful holiday season. Merry Christmas!

With my birthday fast approaching, I thought it’d be fun to check in on the 30 financial milestones to reach by age 30 that have been floating around the internet for a while. How many of these did I manage to check off the list? Read on for my shocking confessions!

1. Financially independent of your parents. That ship sailed a while ago- pretty much right out of school. We worked off $30K in student loans, paid for our wedding and put together a down payment with our own hard earned cash. Emily did live with her parents for almost two years after graduating as we saved up to get hitched. I, on the other hand, had the good fortunes of crashing in a basement apartment of a rooming house. It was cheap ok? Good times all around.

2. Debt free. Technically, the mortgage is debt, so no. That said, credit cards are paid off in full each cycle and there aren’t any other loans to speak of.

3. Out of overdraft. What’s overdraft?

4. Established good credit history. At last check, ye ole credit score was hanging out at 782.

5. Have $25,000+ saved for retirement. Check and then some.

6. Started an investment portfolio. We started investing with TD e-Series index funds shortly after the birth of Big Brother. It’s great knowing that my portfolio will continue to grow over the long term without having to keep an eye on the market.

We don’t have an emergency fund.

7. Established an emergency fund. Yes, we did have a traditional emergency fund but we now take a little bit more of an unconventional approach. We’re comfortable with our habits and our financial health so we have our emergency savings  invested in the TFSA.

8. Properly insured. Health: check (thanks Canada). Life: check. Content and car: check. Disability: hmmm, maybe we should look into that?

9. Maximizing employer benefits. We participate in our company defined benefit contribution plans where contributing a percentage of our income is matched by our employer. Use it or lose it.

10. In the habit of tracking your spending. I use a combination of spreadsheets and You Need a Budget a.k.a. YNAB (referral link) to track our spending and net worth.

11. Done with impulse purchases. Apparently, I’m a robot and have no impulses. Just ask Emily.

12. Willing to spend where it counts. Korea, Brazil, or that time we took off to tour Asia. I’ve been called all sorts of crazy for not paying for mobile phone data, but it’s tradeoffs like these that enable our jet setting ways.

13. In the habit of regularly checking your credit report. Once a year. Like clockwork.

14. On top or ahead of all your monthly bills. Paid in full. Also like clockwork.

We use credit cards for almost everything.

15. At least one big splurge you saved up for and paid in full with cash. Wedding, car and travel aside- Laser. Eye. Surgery. Best $4,500 I ever spent. I diligently saved my monthly allowance and sold off a bunch of my prized possessions (ciao, xbox) to pay for it. I did not, however, pay for it in cash; you don’t get travel reward points for that, silly. I paid with a credit card and cleared the balance at the end of the month.

16. An understanding of personal income taxes and how to minimize what you pay. UFile is my friend. Maxback does all the work for me. Ok, admittedly, I could do better.

17. Diligently saving for a big purchase. See #12. or #15.

18. A clear direction of your career. I’m still sorting out what I want to do when I grow up. Astronaut, rock star or pro football (soccer to you, weirdos) player.

19. A profitable side income. TBD. Side hustles abound. Whether they’re profitable is another story.

20. A positive, growing net worth. We kids are alright.

21. A BHAG for your finances. Big Hairy Audacious Goal? Where do I start? Raise $10K to build a health clinic in Nigeria. Save 50% of our income. That’s a bit of a stretch, because daycare, but give it a few years and maybe we’ll hit it. Got your binoculars? You’re looking at some form of entrepreneurship with what looks like location independence off in the distance.

22. An understanding and a plan of how your money will deliver the lifestyle you want. We’ve carefully considered the trade offs we’re willing to make to live the lifestyle we want. Living in a smaller space helps us avoid being house rich and cash poor. It’s not without its perks: Chatime is just around the corner.

23. So over measuring your finances against that of your friends. I find it helpful to focus on the things I can change rather than thinking about things that are out of my control.

We’ve never had cable- not even growing up.

24. Less consumption-oriented. One of the lessons we’ve gleaned from our travels is how people can live contently with little. Wealth isn’t defined by material possessions and we’re working to break the curse of excessive consumerism.

25. A healthy relationship with credit cards. Sure, if an addiction to travel rewards is healthy. At the risk of sounding like a broken record, credit cards get paid off every month.

26. A regular contribution to charity. We’re fortunate to lead incredibly blessed lives, and I believe it is on us to be a blessing to those around us. If I’ve learned anything from my 3 year old, it is to give- and give freely. Like the man named Picasso once said “The meaning of life is to find your gift. The purpose of life is to give it away.”

27. If you’re part of a couple, a healthy way of sharing money with your partner. We have combined finances and use a joint bank account- that works for us. No matter the situation, transparency and trust are paramount; we are working towards the same goals, after all.

28. A commitment to putting free or cheap before convenient. We haven’t eaten out in over two months. I don’t mind; Emily is a chef extraordinaire. She, on the other hand, has been known to gaze longingly at pastries through pane glass windows.

29. Done paying unnecessary fees. After years of keeping minimum balances avoid banking fees, I switched to no-fee banking a few years ago and invested the balance. Cable television is also an unnecessary fee. Yeah, that’s right. I said it.

30. An understanding and appreciation for the reality that money is only a tool of exchange, and not worth obsessing over. Learning to put our money on autopilot has really allowed us to take on and tackle the things that we really care about. While it certainly can be helpful, it is not a prerequisite to living a life with purpose in accordance with your values.

My big confession: I’m actually turning 31! To celebrate, I’m throwing in a bonus milestone.

31. Maintain a will. Yeah, we have one. But this is more of a reminder that I still need to add Little Sister to it.

The Last Word

While this is a fun exercise, don’t get caught in the trap of comparing your progress with someone else’s. Every person’s situation is different and the milestones within reach will depend on your specific set of circumstances. Maybe you just finished grad school or are experiencing sleepless nights with a newborn- some of these milestones will come easier than others. As you work towards achieving some of these goals, keep this in mind:

“The secret of getting ahead is getting started. The secret of getting started is breaking your complex overwhelming tasks into small manageable tasks, and starting on the first one.”
-Mark Twain

This collection of 30 financial milestones to reach by 30 is by no means a definitive list. Break down the milestones into manageable steps and get started. Before long, you’ll be checking them off your list.

Which milestones do you feel are the best place to start?

Walking through the farmer’s market a couple Saturdays ago, I passed by a stand of recently fried, freshly powdered, entirely delicious mini doughnuts. My mouth literally watered, not only at the sight and its smell of the tasty treats, but also from the all the other fresh hot foods made from local ingredients. I couldn’t wait to get my hands on and sink my teeth into the sweet cinnamony deep fried ball of heaven. But then I remembered- I’m not allowed to. As of October 1, we have been on an eating out hiatus.

Since restaurant expenses have always been an Achilles heel in our budget, why not cut that out entirely

Convenience of Eating out

I love to cook and can make quite the delicious comfort meal. Daniel swears that I make a better bolognese ragu than an Italian restaurant. I humbly agree; I have spent years mastering my ragu. It takes at least three hours to prepare. While home cooking is the ultimate trifecta: delicious, healthy, and economical, it is not convenient.

I relied on convenient eats when I was pregnant with Little Sister. Exhausted after long days at work, parenting a toddler, and being pregnant, I dreaded preparing dinner, however simple the meal. Cooking wasn’t enjoyable and pretty much the last thing I wanted when I returned home from work.

We became fast and best friends with the Pizza Nova around the corner. We ate one too many pepperoni walk-in specials. My postpartum body totally regrets that. My wallet wasn’t too happy either; for months, we would exceed the Restaurant category of our budget within the first couple of weeks. Neither economical nor healthy, pizza take-out was easy.

Deliciousness of Eating Out

Little Sister arrived in late spring and I started my year-long maternity leave. Not working has provided ample time and energy to meal-plan and cook again. I found inspiration in the fresh produce we grew in our garden or picked up from the local farmer’s market I visited with the kids. We ate healthy, tasty meals and I reconnected with the joy of cooking.

That’s not to say we didn’t eat out. Of course we did. Instead of eating out for convenience sake, we ate in restaurants because it is fun. I mean, what can be more fun than fancy ice cream sandwiched between two giant cookies from a hipster joint in Ossington village? Torontonians, you know what I’m talking about.

On week days, I would take the kids to explore different neighbourhoods, stopping for baked or iced treats at famed local eateries; we ventured into new neighborhoods specifically for their restaurants. On weekends, we would meet up with friends to eat some more; dim sum is always a favourite Saturday morning activity. We tracked the eating-out expenses, of course, and would cringe at the final number each month, only to rinse and repeat because I wanted to try a new restaurant or satisfy a craving.

The 90-Day No Eating Out Challenge

We decided it was time for a challenge: stop paying for food outside of groceries for 90 days.

Why, you ask? Well, our family is working on raising $10,000 to build health clinics in Nigeria to decrease the death rates of women during pregnancy and childbirth. It’s a personal family project for an issue that deeply resonates with me. While brainstorming fundraising ideas, it occurred to me that there is so much of our own money that we can contribute. Since restaurant expenses have always been an Achilles heel in our budget, why not cut that out entirely, but for a bigger purpose than simply saving? We’re not eating out for 90 days to fundraise to improve maternal health in Nigeria; the money we save from eating in goes towards building the health clinics.

The Rules

• No eating out means no restaurants, no coffee, no take-out, and no ooh-look-there-are-pretty-macarons-displayed-let’s-get-one treats. The more specific terms and conditions to our hiatus includes the following:
• We can buy bread at a bakery. We can even buy pastries, but pastries can only be eaten as dessert after a home cooked meal and not on the go.
• We can eat at restaurants with my family, because even in my thirties, my mother is still the boss of me. If she wants me to eat with her, I oblige.
• We can eat at restaurants with business clients for work. In a professional setting, it is a bit weird and awkward not to eat at all.
• We can purchase frozen prepared foods which require a kitchen appliance to be turned on. We are not allowed ready-to-go prepared foods, such as pasta salad from the deli counter.

5 Ways to Avoid Eating Out At Restaurants

We are almost 60 days into the 90-day hiatus, and while we have abided by all the rules, it hasn’t always been easy. We have found 5 things that help.

A few days into challenge, our friend sent an email inviting us to his annual birthday dinner at Pizza Hut. “Should we go?” we asked ourselves. “We’ve gone to the last nine pizza parties. We’re not missing this one. It’s tradition,” said Daniel. We RSVP’ed. On the day of the party, we ate an early dinner before taking the kids to Pizza Hut. We informed everyone we weren’t going to eat and then proceeded to salivate on the table as the delicious greasy pizza was served. Though Big Brother wasn’t hungry, he asked for a slice. We explained to him again what we were doing, and then fed him a granola bar from my purse to keep him quiet. We were all feeling hungry until we left the restaurant; out sight, out of mind. We went home proud.

We are almost 60 days into the 90-day hiatus, and while we have abided by all the rules, it hasn’t always been easy. In addition to the pizza party, I’ve been on half a dozen coffee dates where I sip water while gazing longingly at the cup of joe and pain au chocolat sitting across the table. There are weekends where we are pressed for food ideas since our weekends include brunch with friends or breakfast at a farmers market. For a week and a half at the end of October, we ate eggs, roasted brussel sprouts, and peanut butter sandwiches for dinner practically every day because I was too tired to cook proper meals. Dinner was so uninspiring (and, to be honest, not delicious) that when asked what his favourite food was, Big Brother answered “I only eat eggs”.

It’s hard not to eat out, but somehow, we have avoided restaurants. This is what has worked for us:

1. Avoid Places with Yummy Food
   I am a visual person; I have, one more than one occasion, purchased the Colonel’s chicken because I saw someone else eating it. Cut out the temptation. Unfollow local food bloggers (my “following” list on Instagram took a dip!). When food trucks are present, walk away, just far enough so that the menu is out of sight.
2. Carry Food Around
   Bring food everyone you go. When hungry, a small snack usually suffices. When Big Brother gets hungry between meals while we are out or if I see a chocolate treat, I grab granola or carrot sticks from my bag. It’s enough to distract or satisfy the munchies. I always carry a water bottle around.
3. Have a Plan
   Take an inventory of the ingredients you already have in stock and make a meal plan. You will more inclined to adhere to a plan when you know what to make with items are that readily available. It is when you have no idea what to cook that the spontaneous eat out wins.
4. Stash the Freezer
   Stock the pantry and freezer with a few items- homemade or processed- that come together for a quick meal. I’m talking about canned soup and frozen pizza. While they may not be healthy or delicious as freshly made dishes from scratch, but they suffice and feed bellies when time or energy is tight. I have bags of store bought frozen dumplings and previously prepared pasta sauce waiting in the freezer for the days the kids drive me up the wall and I want is for them to eat so they can go to bed.
5. Bring the Party In
   Eating out is a social thing, but being social doesn’t mean eating out. Whenever we are invited out to eat, we suggest a homecooked meal at our place instead. Not once has anyone declined. In fact, when we explain what we are doing, we often get invited to someone else’s home. Cook a meal for friends or host a potluck. Even take turns hosting and preparing meals. Eating together builds camaraderie- especially over home cooked meals.

The Last Word: Remember the Bigger Picture

Even with my bag of tricks, there will be times you desperately want to eat out. Remember that mini donut I really, really wanted? As I stood in front of the cute little stand wafting in sweet aromas, the Munchies waged a war on Self Control. The Munchies presented a sound argument: I am breastfeeding and should eat constantly for milk production. And, it was only two dollars. Self Control fought back and reminded me why we’re not eating out. It wasn’t about the two dollars; it was about raising the money for something I really care about.

If you decide to take a break on eating out and your resolve wavers, remember the reason and motivation behind the decision. Maybe you are doing it to improve your health or to save money. It doesn’t matter. There is a bigger picture. Focus on it. And take out that granola bar from your backpack. You can do it.

To eat out, or not to eat out?

We are five months into living in 850 square feet as a family of four. Daniel and I turned the dining room table into a makeshift office space when we need to work; we clear it up, moving the computer monitor onto the floor, for meal times. Our balcony houses a mini garden, with herbs and tomatoes growing from pots and bins. They city is our backyard and after dinner, we head to nearby parks or grab dessert at a shop around the corner. We have come to love our little space and our city lifestyle. Contrary to popular belief, condo living isn’t cramped or second-best to house-with-a-lawn living.

Small changes

In a land where BIG is better, living in a small space, especially a condo, is rather unconventional. However, it is by no means novel; most of the world live in small homes. In Hong Kong, a friend resides in a 900 square foot apartment with his wife, two children, father-in-law, and live-in nanny. If they can do it, then so can we!

We made some changes to our home to better accommodate a family of four. Of course, we had to get rid of a whole lot of junk to free up space, but we also completed minor renovations. The walls were painted to brighten up the space, and additional storage solutions were installed in the kitchen. The biggest change to our living arrangements was swapping bedrooms with the kids; Daniel and I gave up the master and moved into the smaller bedroom. This didn’t turn out to be the sacrifice we thought it would be- instead, the idea was genius. Now that the kids have the bigger bedroom, everything they have is stored in there. At the end of the day, their toys and junk (like rocks that Big Brother likes to collect on walks) are out of sight in the kids’ room, leaving Daniel and I to hand out a relatively peaceful adult space in the evenings. Gone are the days of train tracks strewn all across the living room floor.

Related: Small Space Living: Our Condo in the City

Embrace Small Space Living

City conveniences and financial flexibility aside, small space living is teaching us some valuable lessons:

Realize it is a lifestyle. Small space living is a way of life. It is not about the inability to afford a bigger place.  It is about aligning values with living conditions and creating a home based on what is important- whether that be the ever so important matter of living near hipster coffee shop or having gorgeous well-manicured front lawn. It is the careful consideration of financial, cultural and- for some- even environmental implications, and subsequently, making an intentional choice about the size of home.

Live with less. Clutter in a small space is overwhelming. It completly takes over, making the home feel smaller that it really is, and even claustrophobic. It is critical to keep belongings in check and at a minimum. We are learning to only keep things we need and/or truly love in our space. The alternative is to be buried under stuff, perpetually live in a messy space and maybe one day be featured in an episode of Hoarders.

Be resourceful. Small spaces do not need to feel small if space and furniture is used appropriately. Use vertical for storage. You learn to see every inch of space, whether it’s on a wall or under the couch, as prime real estate. Give furniture dual purposes. A stool can double up as a side table or television console can store toys. Small space living is an exercise in thinking outside of the box.

Have a sense of humour. Sure, there are frustrating moments when living in a small space- especially with children. There are days where all I see is clutter and mess. Entertaining can also be difficult; we are limited to the amount of people we can invite over and even with small groups, people can end up feeling like sardines. When it is trying, a sense of humor definitely helps. Revel in the fact that you only have one or two toilets to clean.

Small space living has made us lean, more efficient. We make every square foot count. In addition to swapping bedrooms with the kids, their bedroom is also their play and art room. We converted the closet in the second bedroom into office space. We keep all of our clothes- yes, all four of us- in master bedroom walk-in-closet. We installed wall shelves in said closet and use the vertical wall space to store our travel gear and Christmas ornaments. Thinking of better ways to store belongings or streamline our home has become a game.

The Last Word

We are choosing to live in small space because it aligns with our lifestyle and financial goals. Small space living isn’t the choice or even a good solution for some families, but for us, it makes sense. Living in a small space allows us to save more and maintain an urban lifestyle. The city is our playground; museums and markets are mere subway rides away. In the evenings, we clear the living room and put toys in the kids’ room and then spend time in an open space that quadruples as our dining room, living room, kitchen and office. Truth be told, it isn’t alway easy, but the ability to run around the corner for bubble tea is favourable. That and the ability to pay off our mortgage in a few years. It’s all about the lens in which we view things. When see living in a condo as choice, it becomes easier and even lucrative. Now, don’t get me wrong, we don’t intend to live in our condo forever, but for the foreseeable future, we like the way things are. Even given a million dollars in cash, we would dwell our 850 square foot condo.

Seriously, bigger space or epic adventure?